lately I've had bad days. lily's had bad days. as a parent you learn how to deal with your own emotions during a time of separation. I usually cry in the shower, or "go to the bathroom" and just sit and have my moment to melt down and then I go back to life cleaning up messes and feeding children. when my 2 (almost 3) year old has her moments I don't even know what to do. she falls apart when I least expect it and I'm not given the opportunity to prepare myself and my own emotions for what she'll come to me crying and saying. most recently she told me she "wants to go to daddy's house" or when she says she wants him and I tell her that daddy's in bed right now she'll respond with, "I wanna go in daddy's bed." I usually just rock her and cry along with her. she'll go get tissues for us both, come back and just hug me until we've both calmed.
how do you explain a deployment to a 3 year old? or help her to understand that daddy doesn't have a "house" she can go to? children that young can't comprehend long periods of time for me to explain to her that he'll be home in so many months. I know this is so much harder for her than it is for me. I understand where he is, why he's gone and when he'll return.
I want to help her.
I've found I'm not nearly as strong as I thought I was or I want to be. I've learned to make my face pretty and be independent. I have always hated, I mean hated doing things on my own (eating out, shopping, etc.) but now I don't have a choice. I'm forced to make it work. It's so hard, let me tell you! I completely underestimated deployments. I figured I do everything on my own anyway while Jake's at work, I'm use to him being gone all day, what's the difference? this is a whole other ball game and unless you've been through it you have no idea. being a mother is a full-time job but being a single mother.. I don't know anything more than full-time but there is something and this is it! haha!
I was thinking tonight on my way home from the grocery store how fast days go by. the day itself, it goes by really fast, it's the adding up that I struggle with. they just don't seem to add up quickly and I sometimes get discouraged.
I know in my heart though this is only a season and it will pass.
my hard days come and go (hallelujah) and so do lily's. I know until Jake finally comes home they'll continue to creep up when I'm feeling my strongest and I'm most confident in myself and the progress I'm making. we still have a long way to go but I'm learning to be content with life the way it is right now, to continue to grow as a woman, as a mother and as a wife. my eyes have been opened to so many flaws in myself, so many things that I'm working to change. I've watched my husband develop a passion for God I always prayed he'd have and in that I've felt my own heart grow closer to Him. I wouldn't trade this time in our lives. though it's hard every single day and I miss him more than I've ever missed anything, this has been such a growing experience for us both so far and I don't regret anything.
I've taken time away from my business to focus on us as a family, taking care of the kids and getting use to being without Jake- I'm so ready to get back to work! this has given me time to find myself, to learn and really re-charge. I'm anxious to get back behind the lens and continue to grow as a photographer.
lily has changed so much in these three months her daddy's been gone. she speaks way more English and less gibberish (haha!) she's decided to let her hair grow until Jake comes home (she always had short, around her chin, hair) and her personality continues to show. she's one strong minded, attitude filled 2 year old. she knows what she wants to do and has legitimate reasons for you as to why she doesn't like or want to do something. I can't wait to see her daddy handle her when he gets home. he is seriously NOT gonna know what to do with himself! lol!
this is troy. I haven't really talked about him in this post, he's my easy child right now. I am so, so, SO thankful I only have one child who can really show their feelings right now. he notices Jake is gone, definitely. he clings to men, (even strangers in target! seriously!) when he sees my dad he goes running and doesn't let go of him. when he sees Jake on the computer he reaches for him. he definitely knows, but he's too little to really show it.
he's had his own changes during daddy's time away. he's become such a little man. he's gotten a lot taller, his hair is getting darker and really coming in, he talks (Jake was able to hear him when he said "daddy" for the first time), he has an attitude of his own screaming or trying to bite something when he gets into trouble or you make him mad. he's definitely feisty in his own way. the two of them together keep me on my feet, that's for sure!
and this is the man we're all waiting for..
he sent me this today and it was exactly what I needed. I hadn't seen a recent picture of him since he left. we're lucky enough to be able to Skype every morning (when his internet cooperates) but our hour or so usually consists of trying to get our call back, typing because we can't hear what the other is saying and fixing computer cameras that keep freezing and cutting off. seeing this picture was absolutely perfect. I don't even know how to explain my love for that man. I don't deserve him, that's for sure.
we have roughly 4 months until our halfway homecoming (his deployment is a year long), saying I can't wait is a severe understatement. I literally cry when I stop and think about that day and what that moment will feel like. it's overwhelming and I'm so excited to experience it.
if you've taken the time to read this, thank you. I know it's a lot. I want my fans, clients, and followers to know who I am. I don't post things like this often, I just want you to know I'm no one special. I'm just a wife and a mom. I'm not a perfect photographer but I try and by trying I find ways to learn, to grow and to change. I have so far to go before I'm anything close to what I envision for myself. I hope to meet other local photographers and work together with them, really branch out. there's too much negativity in this field and I plan to make that different, for myself and others.
I get back to it next month and I have so many things I hope to do. please stick around and grow with me, "love & sugar" was just the beginning..
xoxo
mary johnston | photographer
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